Having opened the floodgates on the healing process yesterday, I’m amazed at how many internal blocks are now coming to the surface to be healed. Today was particularly tough as it forced me to deal with the issues I’ve always had about my birth mark.

After yesterdays fascial release moves, today I worked through some somatic body exercises and was astounded when all this anger and rage suddenly came up as I randomly started swinging my body.

I was immediately swept back to when I was approx 13-14 years old and after the usual teenage dramas of a squabble with your ‘best friend’, I was devastated to find out they had been calling me ‘scar face’ – a reference to the Al Pacino movie released a few years earlier! For those that have never met me, I was born with a birthmark on my left cheek.

Devestated

I can remember being so upset and hurt and not wanting to engage with groups of friends for fear of what they were saying about me. To be fair, most of my life I’ve been very conscious when I’ve met someone new of what they were thinking of my birth mark. In a bid to help me deal with the situation, my mum supportively took me to the make-up counter of the local Debenhams for a make-up lesson. Looking back now, with fresh perspective on the situation, it seems my subconscious read a whole lot more into this situation than I could ever have dreamed possible.

The memory that surfaced was of the make-up lady telling me that I’d need special theatre make-up to cover it properly, but she would show me how to do the best job possible with their foundations. However, I’d have to apply it very thickly.

Suddenly, I could instantly see how this had set two thought patterns in motion that have defined the last 35 years of my life.

1. My anger at society for making me think I needed to conform. That I needed to look like everyone else or I wouldn’t ever have any proper friends. How could I ever succeed in life if I was ‘different’? And sadly, I think this cultural collective thought pattern has only gotten worse with the advent of social media. Although encouragingly, in this new Age of Aquarius, it does seem like the younger generations are waking up to this and are starting to say no! To realise that there is another way. Their individualism is their USP, and good on them.
2. Ashamed of how I looked. Embarrassed, and a sense of unworthiness. How or why would anyone want to befriend me because the real me was different to the norm? And if I was different on the outside, did this also make me different on the inside? Did I need to hide the real me too? Would I only be accepted if I played the game, toed the line and conformed to the same fresh faced images that looked back at me from my teenage Mizz magazines.

Fast forward 35 years and I can now see, that as I’m finding my voice and really understanding who I am, I am pushing back so much against authority. I know it’s an Aquarian trait to be a bit maverick, but I also think there’s some deep rooted grievances that make me more determined to stand up for the underdog, to give others that are less fortunate a chance. To help those that aren’t naturally blessed with blue eyes, blonde hair, a body to die for and perfect complexion!

I realised I’ve always been scared of speaking out in larger groups, especially if there are lots of people there I don’t know and am not comfortable with. I try to stay more in the background so as not to draw attention to myself, not to put myself on public display for comment. I’ve always got questions to ask, but so many times I’ve just asked them to myself in my head and so obviously never received the answers my naturally inquisitive mind craves so much. I am getting better at expressing myself in smaller groups where I feel safe and supported, but its an ongoing process.

As a society, why do we always feel like we have to label everyone. That they have to conform to ‘A’ or ‘B’ or we don’t know how to address/deal with them. I mean, surely that says more about society as a collective than those individuals who are brave enough to say no – ‘this is who I am and I’m not changing. You see me for who I am or there is no place for you in my life.’

I know its going to take a lot of courage moving forward to let the mask slip, but now I’m aware of the inner blocks I’ve been holding onto, I’m finding it much easier to see the recurring patterns that have surfaced many times during the years preceding the original event. On an outward level they may have materialised as different events – being too shy to speak up, not wanting to put myself ‘out there’, never wanting ‘natural’ photos taken that I’m unaware of and so can’t immediately turn the left side of my face away from camera, procrastinating on setting a wedding date because of the wedding photos issue, and the list goes on – but I can see now the inner block was coming from the same place. It was these first primary thought patterns that have initiated my body’s response over the years.

I’m trying to be more open about my feelings, but it’s definitely an ongoing process and one that will require a great deal of work in the coming years. Although I am so grateful that my Healy came into my life when it did, because the work I am doing in the coach app to support myself through this healing work has been huge.

I’m sure there will be many more layers to peel back on this healing journey, but with the support of my Healy I’m ready to do the work and see where it takes me. See who I can become when I let go of what’s no longer servicing me.