I realised after yesterday that the only way to begin to heal the subconscious trauma in my body was to meet each incident head on and relive it.

You see the mind has no concept of time. It doesn’t know that these events it’s been holding on to happened 30+ years ago. Over the years it’s built its own narrative around them and I need to let it know that its ok to now look at them differently. I need to take the time to thank my body for doing such a good job of using these stories to protect me, but let it know that it’s time to move on. It’s safe to let go.

I know the key to the successfulness of the process is that I have to make myself really believe that its safe for me to release this trauma. I have to allow myself to rewrite the narrative for the next stage of my journey, so that these subconscious thought patterns no longer have the power to hold me back in life.

Sitting in meditation with my Healy and really working through each thought pattern that’s arisen has been groundbreaking internal work. I’ve honoured the time and space my body has needed in order to start to feel safe enough to let go and its really starting to work. I’m feeling a lot more at peace every time I come back to this.

So here goes – I apologise if some of this content seems a bit jumbled at times, but I’m going to do my best to document it as it came up for me, in the hope that it might one day help someone else deal with their inner shadows and emerge into the light.

‘”Do as I say, not as I do!” This seemed to be a recurrent message that kept cropping up over the years. The associated feelings were of feeling smothered and not being allowed to express who I really wanted to be. I felt like I was being put on a pedestal and as such, I always had to strive to be worthy of this ‘ideal me’ that was being spoken about.

As a young child I was always perceived as the ‘good girl’. I obeyed the rules, did as I was told, knuckled down, was studious and got good grades. But inwardly, I wanted to be like ‘Helen’ the girl in my year who lived by the beach and always had stories to tell of sneaking out after dark to enjoy beach parties with older friends. I wanted fun and excitement. Something to shake up the ordinary.

I keep seeing a vision of a teenage me wanting to run and run. I keep running up this giant hill and when I get there I scream so loudly. I’m expressing everything that went unsaid.

I’m not sure whether this is a fair reflection or not, but I always felt my mum was quite hard on me. Even when it wasn’t my fault, I was always told off because ‘I was older and should have known better!’ I feel like everyone in the family expected a lot from me. Maybe that was because I was the oldest grandchild, I don’t know.

I wonder now though, after doing all this inner work if some of this was of what my mum had experienced in her childhood. When I’ve asked my ‘higher self’ to show me where this thought process came from, the image I saw was a photo of my mum as a very young girl. So maybe this is a ancestral block thats come up for me to clear so my future ancestors can be freed from this narrative.

I can see that often, when I was in trouble as a young child and being told off, I was called Samantha. The fact this birth name was only used when I was being shouted at feels really jarring to my nervous system. Samantha also has a lot of feelings of tension, stress and trepidation associated with it, linked to the first day of a new school year.

I always felt like there was a lot of pressure on me to do well at school, or maybe it was just the pressure I put on myself to always strive to be the best I could be. Anyway, there was a definite sense of perfectionism and of not wanting to let the ‘halo’ slip that came through. I never wanted to disappoint anyone, or let them down by getting bad grades or failing after all they’d done to give me such a good, comfortable life.

I think the one thing that has shaped my memories more than any other was my so called best friend calling me ‘scar face’ behind my back. On rewriting the narrative, I’ve apologised to her for any part I played in a playground argument that may have caused her to lash out, but when this memory initially resurfaced, the dagger to the heart I felt was as real as the day I first found out.

This single incident has always made me very self conscious of what people think of me when they meet me – less so now, but for such a long time this was the case. I’m still aware of it in photos, and I don’t like unstaged photos being taken in case they capture my left side. I guess the thinking has always been, if there are no photos of my birthmark, then it never existed and I look ‘pretty’ like everyone else.

When I look back now, it must have been super tough for my mum at the time too, but she was very supportive in taking me to find out about make up to cover my birthmark. I can remember trying for a while to plaster on this foundation, but ultimately it felt like I was hiding who I really was, and in some ways I think I resented being made to feel that in order to fit in in society, I’d have to wear this mask every day of my life. It made me feel that people didn’t want to see me for who I really was, but rather only what I could do for them, or else that they wanted the superficial me that came with no baggage.

I’ve always listened and helped others, but never really shared any of myself. I always feel people won’t want to hear it and they won’t want to be friends with me any more if I reveal al the dark stuff that’s lurking under the surface. Little did I know there was quite so much of the shadow side of me!

Because of my birth mark I’ve never thought people would genuinely like me and so I’ve always been very grateful for a person’s friendship and often over compensate by giving far too much and neglecting myself in the process. I am the ultimate people pleaser! It’s in my nature, but sometimes I think I take it to detrimental levels. I’m happy to buy gifts for others, but I always feel I’m not worthy of spending my money on and don’t deserve nice things like new clothes, unless someone gives me permission to ‘treat’ myself or I’m rewarding myself for having achieved something.

Back then, I never thought anyone would want to love me. So in my early years I made some bad decisions with guys. I guess I was just so grateful to have a boyfriend that I let them treat me badly. I’ve always been prepared to step aside and just walk away as I never thought I was good enough to be the one they’d choose if it came down to a choice between me and someone else.

The memory suddenly came back to me of a boyfriend I’d once had who had left me feeling small and humiliated. It turns out he’d had a ‘little black book’ in which he’d documented each girl he’d slept with and rated every one of us in various categories. When I was told about this by a good friend and found out that many of my friends were also now aware of this book and what it contained, I felt worthless and inadequate.

Looking back at this now, I can’t believe I’ve carried it with me all this time when really the issue was with him and not me at all! I mean, what gives him the right judge someone else. What makes him the authority on who’s good or bad in bed. It’s his feeling of inadequacies that he’s projected on to me for all these years. Meeting this memory head on I’ve definitely rewritten the narrative and vented at him massively. Saying all the things I should have said at the time but was to scared to say. In reality I don’t think I said anything at all. I think I just slid away and hoped I’d go unnoticed.

My next boyfriend also turned out to be a ‘wrongun’ too. He’d asked me to look for something in his room when I came across photos of him with another girl. It turns out he’d been seeing someone else behind my back for a few months. Instead of telling him what an absolute wanker he was, I can remember feeling guilty at having found the photo. Like I’d invaded his privacy.

Incredibly, the emotion of walking along the river and crying my eyes out after I found out about this, still feels very raw and real. I felt like my heart was broken, not so much because I was sad at the relationship ending, but I think more so because I didn’t believe that anyone else would love me. I think I was always happy to settle for anyone’s affections that was willing to show me enough attention that they wanted to go out with me.

I am so, so grateful that I’ve never had to settle since I met my husband. That he has always been so supportive, loving and understanding.

Another super powerful realisation that’s come to me, is that everything ‘bad’ that’s happened in my life has all occurred on the left side of my body. Have I projected so much hate to this side of my body that I have manifested energy blocks in the body over the years?!

I suffered a DVT in my left leg that went undiagnosed until I ended up in hospital with a significant number of pulmonary embolisms. I had a blocked fallopian tube on the left side and for the last 10-15 years I’ve had recurrent jaw, neck, shoulder and hip pain on the left side. For the last six months I’ve also been suffering from tinnitus, which is worse in the left ear than the right.

Yes, it could well just be coincidence, but it could also be my body sending me messages over the years, none of which I’ve picked up on which maybe why the tinnitus has appeared as the metaphysical explanation of tinnitus is ‘what message am I not listening to?’

Also, the left side reflects the ‘feminine’. So I wonder whether this is why I’ve always been al lot more comfortable in a group of male friends than female. I always feel females are going to be too judgemental and not have my back. Is this old wiring again related to these past memories?

When I suffered from the embolism in my early twenties, there was so much fear in my body for such a long time. I thought I’d dealt with it as it slowly got less noticeable on a day to day level, but I guess I just buried it and it moved form my conscious mind into my subconscious mind.

When I lived in my student house we each had a lock on our bedroom door. I think even then I must have sensed something was wrong in my body. Although there were no obvious signs of anything seriously wrong, I remember experiencing pins and needles type pains in my leg on a few occasions, but then being very overly worried every night that I might die i bed and no one would know because the bedroom door was locked. How ling would it take them to find me. Lookig back it seemed overly dramatic for what i was actually experiencing, but maybe even then my body knew that there was something a lot more serious that was wrong with me. I distinctly remember wondering if I’d wake up in the morning on numerous occasions and would take a very long time to get to sleep because of all the dark thoughts going round in my head.

The day I woke up and couldn’t get from my bedroom to the bathroom that was next door was really scary. Not being able to breathe at all sent my entire body into shear panic. At the time I didn’t know what it was or if I was going to recover which was really disempowering. I think when you know what you’re dealing with, it gives you back some power on the situation.

When the embolism was diagnosed and it was linked ot the contraceptive pill I felt a huge amount of guilt. I’d done this to myself for deciding to put myself on the pill when I went to university so that I could avoid the crippling monthly period pains I’d suffered as a teenager and not have to have these recur every month and stop me going out to enjoy myself. I aslo felt really guilty for putting my parents through all the worry and trauma of seeing me in hospital.

Saying goodbye to them that first night in hospital and not knowing if I would ever see them again, and seeing the same fear reflected back at me in my mum’s eyes felt so so real when I revisited the memory. Seeing me hooked up to all the machinery was a real reflection on how sick I was. Everyone was so much older than me in my hospital ward that I felt very out of my depth. There was a lot of soul searching during that week, feeling sorry for myself – why me, why now. Just as I was getting together with someone I really wanted to share my life with and the old thought patterns resurfacing of would he want to be with someone who was sick?

I think possibly the worst day of that week was the realisation of people dying around me. Hearing the alarms and the nurses rushing round closing the curtains around everyones beds so they could wheel the ‘crash’ trolley in to work on someone that had gone into respiratory failure. By the time that person had been wheeled out and out curtains reopened, there was someone new in that bed! This memory has given rise to lost of feelings of inadequacy ay seeing how quickly we can be replaced.

Whilst it seems my body has held on to a lot of trauma from this period of my life, my conscious mind has always been very thankful over the last 10 years for having suffered the blood clots as it gave me a very real need to understand my body and its inner working as much as I could. In turn, this led me on the path to look at natural ways I could heal it over the years and strive to not have to rely on anyone or anything else again. It instilled the thought in me that the body ultimately has a natural desire to be healthy, it just needs to be given the right tools/environment to do so.

I honestly belive now that this was the srat of my journey to meet Healy. It makes me feel empowered. It gives me the feeling of having full responsibility for my own healing. I know Healy World as a company advocate that it is no replacement for medical care, but in my head that’s how I see it. For many years now I’ve believed that whilst Western medicine os very effective in an emergency situation, in day to day life, its not a health service they are running any more, its a sick service. There’s no money in people healing them selves, there’s only money in keeping people on medication. In this case I think Eastern practices that help the body to lea naturally are so much more effective as they deal with the root cause and don’t just treat the symptom.

Healy allows me the opportunity to make the choice of where I direct my energy and focus. I can intuitively work on my own healing at a speed that’s right for me. I know that as the frequencies are working at a quantum level that I am tiotally safe and held by the universe.

Yes its been brutal realising all this trauma and memories are burined deep within me still, but it’s also nee massivley enlightening to see the messages unfold and realise the linsjk across the years.

The last fea days have felt like I’ve been hovering outside my body and seeing everything clearly for the very first time. When I’ve been using the Human Garage technique of torquing the body, I have the very clear message of ‘I am unfurling to evolve. I am blossoming. It’s me time to learn to love myself for who I really am, to show up as this person and know that I am 200% worthy of being in the world right now.’

In conclusion, I can now see I need to focus on healing the emaotions of shame, gulity, anger, unworthiness and resentment. I need to know in my body that I am just as worthy of love as the next person. I need to learnt to respect my emotions and needs and give myself the time when I feel its right to do so. I don;t need to always apologise for everything. If I let peope down, it;s not intentional, but I need to know thatI shouldn;t put their needs above my own all the time. I am worthy of so muh more. Nature doesn;t judge or question or hold you acocunatble for your thoughts and actions, she’s happy to just accept me on my own terms. I really think thats whay I’ve found so much healing from being in nature over the last few years.

Ultimately I need to learn to love muself more and e open to receiving – whether that’s through love, compliments, support, help and when ic an sit comfotably ith these thoughts then abundance will naturally begin to flow into my life.

I definitely see my life as 3 distinct stages – Samantha, Sammi and Sam. I’ve often wondered why I’ve never felt drawn to keep in touch with anyone from school, but now I see that the many blocks that are being held in my body all relate to the ‘Sammi years’ as this is how I was know during my school years. I feel I’m associating all the tough stuff in my life with Sammi and it’s keeping me small. It’s not who I am now. I want to move forward, but every time I’m called Sammi or Samantha, I immediately feel I’m being pulled back and squashed. They just don’t resonate with who or where I am right now.